PTSD and Guilt

Many survivors of abuse find themselves diagnosed with PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People who are unfamiliar with PTSD are not always sensitive when responding to different ways that it can manifest. This can lead to the survivor feeling guilty for something compeletly outside their control. 

A part of my PTSD that makes itself the most noticeable is my startle reflex. I will jump, shout, sometimes even scream, at the slightest provocation and I have no control over that. Embarrassment followed by guilt is something that I used to deal with on a daily basis - many times a day - when I was at work or out in public places. It took me a long time to realize that not only was my embarrassment unneccessary but the guilt was actually causing some of my social anxieties which would then heighten my startle reflex even further. 

With a little self-talk and time I was able to deal more smoothly with situations where my PTSD made itself known at inopportune moments. Now, when I am startled by my waiter or scream in reaction to being addressed unexpectedly by a co-worker, I can transition from fear to calm very quickly without the guilt/embarrassment getting in the way of my communication. 

Everyone who deals with PTSD in their life need to know that it is not their fault. It is not something you can control, although with time and work it is something that can become managed. There is no reason to blame yourself for the physical and mental side affects of being abused. While they can be lessened with help and time, not everyone is there right now. People need to be ready to deal with the underlying problems before they can address the individual PTSD symptoms. If you aren’t ready to do that yet that is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for that, because everyone has their own healing pace.

If you have PTSD or know someone who does just remember that it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is not your fault that you have it. It is not something you can turn off and on, there is no “switch” and although sometimes ignorant people have trouble understanding that, we can still be kind and accepting to ourselves. With time it can improve significantly. 

There is hope, it does not have to be a shadow over your life forever. Support can be found in many places and we encourage you to go to our resource page to see if any of the links or numbers there might be of benefit to you. You are very strong and have lived through a traumatic experienced that changed you, but it can be overcome. 

Religion and Guilt

I am not going to preach or condemn religion, because that is not the issue I wish to discuss. For a survivor of sexual assault or abuse religion based guilt can cause a lot of heartache and confusion. Often times they question their faith and spirituality, because of the abuse. For those who are not religious it can be humiliating and hurtful to be verbally attacked in such a way.

I want to encourage people that are religious and reassure them that their abuse is not the result of “not enough faith”, it is also not “to make you stronger for god”. I was given both of these guilt producing explanations. With the first you are being told that it would not have happened if only you had more faith in god or your beliefs. In the latter the guilt stems from not being strong enough emotionally or emotionally faulty. 

Of course, all of that is incorrect. Abuse victims are like everyone else. They are not more qualifying of punishment and they certainly don’t deserve the things that happened to them. If you are a survivor and religion is being used in any way to make you feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty about what you have endured at the hands of your abusers then you need to know that what you are being told is a lie. It is wrong. It is inhumane and certainly not the actions of a loving, caring god. The judgmental people spreading these lies should be ashamed of themselves, not you.  

That said, I have also been told that my abuse happened because I was not religious. It was punishment for being an “unbeliever”. These were words spoken to me from a woman who did not even know my background. She genuinely believed that anyone abused like me must be an atheist and bound for hell or god would have rescued me. You can see how illogical and biased her reasoning is, but still people like her persecute survivors all the time. If anyone has ever said things like this to you, they are wrong. Your religion or lack of it did not cause your abuse to happen. 

Someone made a choice, that is what caused the abuse. The choice was not yours and out of your control. Your abuser is the monster, not you. You can still grow and heal and have a healthy life moving forward. Stay safe and be kind to yourself, because with all the guilt being aimed at us we need to at least be able to believe in ourselves. You have support here. 

How Can YOU Help?

Not At Fault is currently encouraging both video and written responses from anyone interested in helping spread the message, but there are other ways that you can help us! 

If you are a survivor or know a survivor and you have found a particular website or support group helpful in your healing journey Not At Fault would like to add them to our resource page. The more resources we can post, the better. 

I look forward to hearing from you! You are our voice. 

Tell A Survivor, "It's Alright"

If you are interested in helping out NAF, we are welcoming video and written submissions. Please, see our guidelines. We would love to hear from you! Encouragement cannot be passed on without your help. 

If you have any questions or comments our Ask is always open and our e-mail address is: NotAtFaultProject@gmail.com 

Guilt and Self-Image

Survivors who have a great deal of guilt associated with their abuse can find themselves in a “self-punishment” frame of mind quite often even when they don’t want to be having those intrusive thoughts. It can be devastating to their lives and cause problems with their relationships. 

Being able to move through that guilt, to accept that what happened was not the fault of the survivor can make significant differences in life quality. The weight of guilt can be a very real thing that can lead to depression or other mental health issues. It can also be at the root of self-harming behaviors that may or may not put the survivors life at risk. 

When one is able to accept a guilt-free role in their abuse it can significantly boost self-confidence and self-image. Guilt is often accompanied by shame, feelings of being “dirty” or “broken”, and a pessimistic self-image. All of these are misplaced. Abuse does not make anyone less no matter how abnormal they may feel.

Survivors are not dirty, we have no reason to feel shame or self-hatred. What happened to us is not something that anyone deserves to experience and we are faced with the task of dealing with the outcome (often times alone or without In Person support). It can feel overwhelming at times, but I want every survivor out there to know that it is okay to struggle. It is not your fault that you have experienced this pain. I believe that you are all beautiful people who deserve love and respect. 

Please, be kind to yourself. If you would like to talk with someone or look through information resources, we are currently in the process of compiling links for your convenience. Your e-mails are always welcome, as well. 

Not At Fault, A Message from Tina

Survivor Guilt: Ways It Can Damage

Survivors of sexual abuse and assault have a very difficult road to travel. There are a lot of misconceptions in society when it comes to placing guilt on the victim and understanding what exactly being a survivor entails. While there has been an increase in sexual abuse awareness recently in the media there are still people out there who need to be educated. 

Not At Fault would like to help raise awareness about the ways in which guilt can damage a persons life. It is up to all of us to stop the victim blaming and make a stand. We need to tell survivors that what happened was not their fault. 

Misplaced guilt can cause severe emotional trauma for a survivor and sometimes leads to years of harmful behavior. The weight of guilt alone can be enough to cause survivors to use any method at hand to make it lessen. All to rarely is therapy and group support used as a way of moving through the guilt associated with abuse. Often self-harmful behaviors are adopted as a way of coping. 

Guilt is primarily about control. If a survivor feels guilt over their abuse, if they can tell themselves “I should have, could have, might have, and this would have never happened” that gives them a bit of control over a situation in which they had none. The very definition of abuse leaves no doubt that the survivor had no control of the situation and that can be a very scary fact to face. It is easier to adopt guilt and deep shame to deal with the trauma, but that is unhealthy and ultimately damaging.

This is our message to everyone who has ever been abused. It was not your fault. You are not to blame for the actions of your abuser and there is no reason to feel guilty. You have support here at Not At Fault and there are many different formats that support can take. You deserve to shed that misplaced guilt. You are loved and you are not at fault. 

Raising Awareness

Although NAF is primarily a way to spread a message of hope, it is also a place where friends and family of survivors can come to find information. We want to raise awareness of the stigma associated with being a survivor and, hopefully, put an end to the cruel practice of blaming the survivor for their abuse.

Please, help us spread the message and raise awareness through either promoting NAF or joining your voice to ours. Now is the time to rise above the stigma and make a positive change for survivors.

Not At Fault Project: Introduction

How Can You Help?

Misplaced guilt can be life altering for a survivor of sexual abuse. Whether it is their family, society, or abuser trying to shift the guilt onto them it does not matter. Survivors of sexual abuse and assault are not at fault. They should not be ashamed of what has happened to them. The Not At Fault Project has been created to fight the stigma surrounding survivors and the inappropriate blame pointing that takes place.

The NAF project would like to invite you to check back often as we will be updating the sites regularly in the coming days. If you have ever wanted to make a difference or if you are willing to speak out for those who cannot be heard then, please, follow our project and send us your messages. We would love to hear from you. 

Not At Fault Project: Launch Date!

The support for this project has been outstandingly positive and I am so excited to see how it is going to affect survivors around the nation, but there are still a few wrinkles to work out before the official “start date” of the NAF project. 

While we welcome suggestions, messages and ideas we will not be officially posting content until April 17th. Keep checking back for updates until then and thank you, for your interest and support!