"It was just a joke!"

Humor does not have a specific origin that science can pin-point with definite certainty, but there are some things that they are able to theorize. Humor is something that we have evolved to indicate to others in our group that something is unexpected or “out of sync” with expected order of things, but is ultimately harmless. 

As humans we find many different subjects funny and it is ruled by individual taste. Making fun of rape or abuse is something that happens quite often in public and private. Our friends, family members, school teachers, and random strangers on the street may make reference to sexual abuse in a joking manner and that can be devastating for a survivor to hear. 

I am not writing this post to “shake my finger” at anyone who employs this kind of humor. Instead, I am writing it to open a discussion among survivors. When someone is using humor that touches on subjects that can be hurtful or demeaning they rarely do it out of spite or bitterness. Usually it is because they are just as uncomfortable about the subject as you are (and some of them may be survivors who simply do not know how to handle their own emotions about abuse). 

Jokes are created out of controversy and discord. Events that are incongruous to the way things should be are often viewed as humorous if no one is being physically hurt *in that moment*. The person making the joke may not be aware that there are any survivors in the immediate vicinity and are unaware that they could be causing someone a great deal of emotional and mental anguish. 

As we are all aware, words can cause more damage than physical blows sometimes and can linger for years, holding a person back or causing them to feel powerless to speak out. Joking about a subject that is so raw for survivors is harmful, but it is also a way of acknowledging a problem. A commentary is opened by a joke that can become educational if someone is willing, and comfortable with, speaking up. 

No matter who you are, you deserve to go through life without worrying that someone is going to make light of the horrible crime you survived. That said, we live in a flawed world and understand that sometimes we need to accept that we cannot control what other people say around us, but only how we react to it.

Personally, I don’t want ignorant or deviant people to ruin my day by saying something that might trigger a flashback or anger. So, I accept the fact that such a situation may occur and I am resigned to speaking out if it is appropriate or taking it in and tearing down the fallacies so that they cannot hurt me. It is not always possible to change peoples views on the subject of sexual abuse or to take it seriously, but every chance to educate is a chance to help someone else. 

Who knows if the person is hurting and dealing with their own abuse issues, trying to brush them off with crude humor. It is better, I personally believe, not to judge when you do not know the motivation behind someone behavior, but instead to try and lessen the hurtful impact for yourself.

I would love to hear anyone’s comments on this subject as there are many different views and mine is only one of them. <3. Be safe and remember that it is not your fault that “joking” can sometimes trigger you. It is a natural reaction and especially understandable in the case of people who also suffer from the symptoms of PTSD. You deserve so much better than the world is able to give you. It does not make you less of person that a “joke” wounds you in a way that it does not appear to hurt other listeners. <3. 

I was raped. Were you? It was not your fault. NAF Project

Survivors of Attempted Suicide

One of the harshest realities of being a survivor is the physical coping skills that can come into play. Self-harm is something that a lot of people turn to and it is a coping mechanism that many keep hidden. Sometimes, for a survivor, life can seem too difficult to keep experiencing and then suicide is considered or even, sometimes, attempted. 

I know this is an incredibly touchy subject and I want to urge anyone who feels suicidal or has any kind of intrusive self-harming thoughts to talk to someone (anyone) about it. There are numbers and websites on ourresource page if you do not feel like you have anywhere else to turn. They want to help. Please, you deserve to be happy and to be supported and helped through this difficult time. There is hope. 

And I want to tell you all. Everyone who has ever considered or attempted any form of self-harm, this message is for you. It is not your fault. You are not a “bad person” because you needed help coping. I want you to know that you can find support and you have a voice. You are not alone. You are beautiful and you deserve to have a chance at discovering happiness. It is there, waiting for you. Give it a chance, take some time and talk to someone about how you are feeling. I know that you are strong and even if you don’t believe that right now, I know that you can. Please, be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault that you are overwhelmed. No one asks for that and it is hard to carry those heavy burdens around alone. You don’t have to anymore. 

I love you all and I hope that you reach out. 

Never Alone: Triggers and Flashbacks

One thing that every abuse survivor has to deal with is the moments where they are physically alone, but are haunted by the presence of what has happened to them. This is common with any kind of trauma and it is especially hard for people who have survived sexual abuse. 

It is easy to feel self-hatred for having these flashbacks and triggers attacking you no matter where you go. Self-blame for not being able to “get over” the abuse and just “stop thinking” about it can be a very heavy burden to bear. We, as survivors, can feel that the flashbacks would stop if we wanted them to bad enough or if we tried harder to focus on something else. Of course, this is only partially true. While therapy and discovering personal, healthy coping skills can be helpful in diminishing flashbacks and the affects triggers have on you, we are never truly able to control them. 

There will always be moments where we are alone, but surrounded by the past and I want everyone who goes through this to know that it is not your fault. You are not “broken” or “too weak” to stop these from happening. It is brain chemistry and individual environments that give way to these terrible reminders. It is not your fault and there are ways to help you take back control of your past. I understand what you are going through and I feel the utmost respect for you and for the strength that it takes to get through each day, being the best person that you can be right now. There is always room for improvement but it takes time and that is okay. Everyone heals at their own pace and rate and that is okay, too. Be kind to yourself and remember that this is not your fault. 

Silence: Personal Safety

I want to also add on the subject of survivors who have kept their abuse silent is the fact that in some countries it is simply not safe to disclose this information. For any of you who might live in a society where it is not safe to come forward or seek support with others who understand…you are not alone. We won’t let you suffer in silence. 

The NAF Project is a message of support, but it is also a voice for people who cannot speak up for themselves. We are here to stand up for you and for your right to be accepted for who you are no matter what has happened to you. 

Please, stay strong and be kind to yourself. It is not your fault that the world is a broken place. Someday, hopefully soon, the stigma that surrounds sexual assault and abuse will no longer silence or suppress survivors. <3. Be safe.

Silence

I want to reassure survivors of abuse who have NOT spoken out about what has happened to them. It does not make you less worthy of support or understanding. There is no reason to feel ashamed or “weak”, because you don’t feel safe enough to confide in someone. 

Sexual abuse is a very scary thing and if you are a situation where you are unsafe or you feel that no one around you would understand why you have not spoken up, remember that there are anonymous support groups where you can talk to others in the same situation as you who can help you through this time. 

What happened to you was not your fault and I understand that sometimes - no matter how much you might want to tell someone - the words just will not come. They can be stuck in your throat or, worse, you might not even entertain the thought of telling others because of the judgement you “know” will come after. I am sorry you are currently in such an isolated place emotionally and I want to encourage you to reach out to anonymous communities until you feel comfortable enough confiding in someone you trust. 

It may take weeks, months or years for you to reach that level of vulnerability, but that is alright. The healing journey is not a race and there is no set deadline for when you must reach certain stages. Take it at your own pace and don’t be hard on yourself. It is okay to feel what you are feeling and it is okay to want more than you have right now in the form of support. Loneliness and self-imposed isolation are things that many survivors face for a long time, but you can make it through that and become more open. Eventually, when you are ready, you will feel strong enough to reach out and confide in someone about what has happened to you. 

Waiting does not make you a bad person. Being unable to speak up about your abuse doesn’t mean that you wanted it or that you are a bad person. There is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. It is alright and what happened was not your fault. You will find support and acceptance. 

Be kind to yourself and don’t force yourself to do more than you feel able. Give yourself time and work up to communicating your past with others. You are strong and I know that you will speak up when the time is right for you. 

Message From Mel

Hello. I'm Mel. I'm 25 and single. I hold an Associate's Degree and am currently studying for my Bachelor's. I am the co-founder of the Not At Fault Project.

I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

In a way, I am more fortunate than some victims of abuse. From the time my abuse was discovered, I have been supported by people who made it clear that it was not my fault. I have never felt like I had to blame myself for what was done to me.

My role in NAF is no so much as a survivor of abuse, myself, but more as one who has been there for somebody else who has struggled to recover from the damage that sexual abuse and misplaced guilt can do to a person.

Tina is my best friend in the whole - my sister in every sense that matters. She is the kindest person that I know and having to watch her struggle with insecurity, poor self-esteem and worth, fear, and guilt... honestly, it make me angry and sad. Especially when sometimes I feel like I can't even do much for her. I can be there, but a lot of times, that is all I can do.

NAF is really Tina's brain child. I just pitch in when and where I can. She's really the genius behind all of this.

When we first started discussing the idea, I had literally just woken up. I think I had rolled over in bed and she came into my room and said, "I've been looking all morning for something like It Gets Better for sexual abuse victims, but I couldn't find one."

"Then, make one, Tina," I mumbled back.

She had no idea how proud her response made me - of her, of all the progress she has made, because at that moment, she responded, "I'm going to."

NAF is a simple message, not only to victims of sexual abuse and assault, but also to society and abusers themselves: sexual abuse victims are not to blame. No one had the right to hurt another person.

I was not at fault for what happened to me, neither was my friend. Neither are you. And that is what NAF is all about.

You are not at fault.

PTSD and Guilt

Many survivors of abuse find themselves diagnosed with PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People who are unfamiliar with PTSD are not always sensitive when responding to different ways that it can manifest. This can lead to the survivor feeling guilty for something compeletly outside their control. 

A part of my PTSD that makes itself the most noticeable is my startle reflex. I will jump, shout, sometimes even scream, at the slightest provocation and I have no control over that. Embarrassment followed by guilt is something that I used to deal with on a daily basis - many times a day - when I was at work or out in public places. It took me a long time to realize that not only was my embarrassment unneccessary but the guilt was actually causing some of my social anxieties which would then heighten my startle reflex even further. 

With a little self-talk and time I was able to deal more smoothly with situations where my PTSD made itself known at inopportune moments. Now, when I am startled by my waiter or scream in reaction to being addressed unexpectedly by a co-worker, I can transition from fear to calm very quickly without the guilt/embarrassment getting in the way of my communication. 

Everyone who deals with PTSD in their life need to know that it is not their fault. It is not something you can control, although with time and work it is something that can become managed. There is no reason to blame yourself for the physical and mental side affects of being abused. While they can be lessened with help and time, not everyone is there right now. People need to be ready to deal with the underlying problems before they can address the individual PTSD symptoms. If you aren’t ready to do that yet that is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for that, because everyone has their own healing pace.

If you have PTSD or know someone who does just remember that it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is not your fault that you have it. It is not something you can turn off and on, there is no “switch” and although sometimes ignorant people have trouble understanding that, we can still be kind and accepting to ourselves. With time it can improve significantly. 

There is hope, it does not have to be a shadow over your life forever. Support can be found in many places and we encourage you to go to our resource page to see if any of the links or numbers there might be of benefit to you. You are very strong and have lived through a traumatic experienced that changed you, but it can be overcome. 

Religion and Guilt

I am not going to preach or condemn religion, because that is not the issue I wish to discuss. For a survivor of sexual assault or abuse religion based guilt can cause a lot of heartache and confusion. Often times they question their faith and spirituality, because of the abuse. For those who are not religious it can be humiliating and hurtful to be verbally attacked in such a way.

I want to encourage people that are religious and reassure them that their abuse is not the result of “not enough faith”, it is also not “to make you stronger for god”. I was given both of these guilt producing explanations. With the first you are being told that it would not have happened if only you had more faith in god or your beliefs. In the latter the guilt stems from not being strong enough emotionally or emotionally faulty. 

Of course, all of that is incorrect. Abuse victims are like everyone else. They are not more qualifying of punishment and they certainly don’t deserve the things that happened to them. If you are a survivor and religion is being used in any way to make you feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty about what you have endured at the hands of your abusers then you need to know that what you are being told is a lie. It is wrong. It is inhumane and certainly not the actions of a loving, caring god. The judgmental people spreading these lies should be ashamed of themselves, not you.  

That said, I have also been told that my abuse happened because I was not religious. It was punishment for being an “unbeliever”. These were words spoken to me from a woman who did not even know my background. She genuinely believed that anyone abused like me must be an atheist and bound for hell or god would have rescued me. You can see how illogical and biased her reasoning is, but still people like her persecute survivors all the time. If anyone has ever said things like this to you, they are wrong. Your religion or lack of it did not cause your abuse to happen. 

Someone made a choice, that is what caused the abuse. The choice was not yours and out of your control. Your abuser is the monster, not you. You can still grow and heal and have a healthy life moving forward. Stay safe and be kind to yourself, because with all the guilt being aimed at us we need to at least be able to believe in ourselves. You have support here. 

How Can YOU Help?

Not At Fault is currently encouraging both video and written responses from anyone interested in helping spread the message, but there are other ways that you can help us! 

If you are a survivor or know a survivor and you have found a particular website or support group helpful in your healing journey Not At Fault would like to add them to our resource page. The more resources we can post, the better. 

I look forward to hearing from you! You are our voice. 

Tell A Survivor, "It's Alright"

If you are interested in helping out NAF, we are welcoming video and written submissions. Please, see our guidelines. We would love to hear from you! Encouragement cannot be passed on without your help. 

If you have any questions or comments our Ask is always open and our e-mail address is: NotAtFaultProject@gmail.com 

Guilt and Self-Image

Survivors who have a great deal of guilt associated with their abuse can find themselves in a “self-punishment” frame of mind quite often even when they don’t want to be having those intrusive thoughts. It can be devastating to their lives and cause problems with their relationships. 

Being able to move through that guilt, to accept that what happened was not the fault of the survivor can make significant differences in life quality. The weight of guilt can be a very real thing that can lead to depression or other mental health issues. It can also be at the root of self-harming behaviors that may or may not put the survivors life at risk. 

When one is able to accept a guilt-free role in their abuse it can significantly boost self-confidence and self-image. Guilt is often accompanied by shame, feelings of being “dirty” or “broken”, and a pessimistic self-image. All of these are misplaced. Abuse does not make anyone less no matter how abnormal they may feel.

Survivors are not dirty, we have no reason to feel shame or self-hatred. What happened to us is not something that anyone deserves to experience and we are faced with the task of dealing with the outcome (often times alone or without In Person support). It can feel overwhelming at times, but I want every survivor out there to know that it is okay to struggle. It is not your fault that you have experienced this pain. I believe that you are all beautiful people who deserve love and respect. 

Please, be kind to yourself. If you would like to talk with someone or look through information resources, we are currently in the process of compiling links for your convenience. Your e-mails are always welcome, as well. 

Not At Fault, A Message from Tina

Survivor Guilt: Ways It Can Damage

Survivors of sexual abuse and assault have a very difficult road to travel. There are a lot of misconceptions in society when it comes to placing guilt on the victim and understanding what exactly being a survivor entails. While there has been an increase in sexual abuse awareness recently in the media there are still people out there who need to be educated. 

Not At Fault would like to help raise awareness about the ways in which guilt can damage a persons life. It is up to all of us to stop the victim blaming and make a stand. We need to tell survivors that what happened was not their fault. 

Misplaced guilt can cause severe emotional trauma for a survivor and sometimes leads to years of harmful behavior. The weight of guilt alone can be enough to cause survivors to use any method at hand to make it lessen. All to rarely is therapy and group support used as a way of moving through the guilt associated with abuse. Often self-harmful behaviors are adopted as a way of coping. 

Guilt is primarily about control. If a survivor feels guilt over their abuse, if they can tell themselves “I should have, could have, might have, and this would have never happened” that gives them a bit of control over a situation in which they had none. The very definition of abuse leaves no doubt that the survivor had no control of the situation and that can be a very scary fact to face. It is easier to adopt guilt and deep shame to deal with the trauma, but that is unhealthy and ultimately damaging.

This is our message to everyone who has ever been abused. It was not your fault. You are not to blame for the actions of your abuser and there is no reason to feel guilty. You have support here at Not At Fault and there are many different formats that support can take. You deserve to shed that misplaced guilt. You are loved and you are not at fault. 

Raising Awareness

Although NAF is primarily a way to spread a message of hope, it is also a place where friends and family of survivors can come to find information. We want to raise awareness of the stigma associated with being a survivor and, hopefully, put an end to the cruel practice of blaming the survivor for their abuse.

Please, help us spread the message and raise awareness through either promoting NAF or joining your voice to ours. Now is the time to rise above the stigma and make a positive change for survivors.

Not At Fault Project: Introduction

How Can You Help?

Misplaced guilt can be life altering for a survivor of sexual abuse. Whether it is their family, society, or abuser trying to shift the guilt onto them it does not matter. Survivors of sexual abuse and assault are not at fault. They should not be ashamed of what has happened to them. The Not At Fault Project has been created to fight the stigma surrounding survivors and the inappropriate blame pointing that takes place.

The NAF project would like to invite you to check back often as we will be updating the sites regularly in the coming days. If you have ever wanted to make a difference or if you are willing to speak out for those who cannot be heard then, please, follow our project and send us your messages. We would love to hear from you. 

Not At Fault Project: Launch Date!

The support for this project has been outstandingly positive and I am so excited to see how it is going to affect survivors around the nation, but there are still a few wrinkles to work out before the official “start date” of the NAF project. 

While we welcome suggestions, messages and ideas we will not be officially posting content until April 17th. Keep checking back for updates until then and thank you, for your interest and support!